Politics is a Game of Inches. Believe Me.

This Weak in Politics, Vol. 158

November 15, 2018

This was a week that definitely proved that politics is a game of inches. Or politics are a game of inches — no one really knows, not even the nation’s top grammarians. But we digress.

And, no, the title and the picture above are not attempts at belittling or emasculating the president’s…ummm…staff. How immature would we have to be to make presidential penis jokes? Not our style.

And now, a word from our sponsor, the M.R.A.

The “game of inches” metaphor was brought to life this week by the ballot in Broward County, on which a two inch space at the bottom of the ballot where the Senate race was located may well have confused Florida voters. (The other issue causing confusion for Florida voters is that the ballot contained “words.”)

So no that we got that out of the way, let’s get to the news.

And it begins, where else, but Florida, Florida, Florida

The state of Florida, America’s flaccid, southeastern hang-down, is dominating the news this week by participating in a ritual that occurs every two years: recounting votes.

Seriously, what gives Florida? Even Oklahoma was able to count their votes without misstep or injury. Why can’t you guys figure this out?
It should give the rest of us pause to know that the primary launch site for U.S. manned space flight and the Central Command of the U.S. Department of Defense are both located in a state that can’t count. Jesus.

Even Alabama would be better, and they produced both Roy Moore and Jeff Sessions! Wait…the state that produced both Jeff Sessions and Roy Moore is the home to Space Camp? And we wonder why kids are eating Tide pods.

But wait, we aren’t done kicking Florida. Not to be outdone by Ted “basketball ring” Cruz, little Marco Rubio this week accused the Democrats of trying to steal the election, Tweeting the following analogy: “Imagine if NFL team was trailing 24–22 but in final seconds hits a 3 pt kick to win.”

Dude, we can’t speak for every team, but if a team is quarterbacked by say, Tom Brady, there would be no 3 point kick. They would go with a 6 point throw. Then a 1 point additional kick.

The state of Florida also made news this week when it deported a Manuel Riconte.

What could possibly go wrong?

The president is certain that Democrats are cheating — and while he has no proof, he is as sure about this as he is that Obama is a Kenyan, that he invented the phrase “prime the pump,” that thousands of Muslims gathered to cheer when the Twin Towers collapsed, and that his popular vote loss was due to 3 million to 5 million illegal immigrants coming in on buses to vote for Hillary. In these mid-terms, the bus allegations have disappeared (just like the caravan) and have been replaced by allegations that Democrats were going in to polling places, voting, coming out, donning a costume and going back in — requiring less ID than you need to buy Cheerios. Okay, who are we kidding, we are at that age where we buy Cracklin’ Oat Bran. It’s a regular thing. Don’t judge.

In other news, President Trump announced his plan to improve prisons. See? It really is always about him. What father doesn’t want to give his children a quality home for the future?

Trump is apparently very concerned about inmates, their safety, and their future. He is not some guy who runs around leading angry mobs in calling for un-convicted women to be thrown into prison, or urging law enforcement to be less than gentle when dealing with suspected criminals. Believe me. That I can tell you.

And now to the Democrats, who, as a result of last Tuesday’s apparent non-wave — in which they gained nearly 40 House seats, 7 Governorships, and 380 state legislative seats — seem relevant again. As such, they are quietly beginning to gather up in numbers and form a giant circular firing squad. (We mean this metaphorically.)

In the electoral ass-whooping of President Trump (or as Trump calls it, “a tremendous success”), house Democrats, under the leadership of Nancy Pelosi, made historic gains and reclaimed the speakership for a party that hasn’t had the majority since before any of us knew who Sebastian Gorka, Stephen Miller, or Richard Spencer were. In the Senate, under the leadership of Chuck Schumer, the Democrats lost either one or two seats (we are just waiting for Florida to find enough fingers with which to count). As such, many Democrats immediately called for the defeat of…Nancy Pelosi, who pisses off a lot of people because of her womanness.

This phenomenon of kicking the winners and picking the losers is a difficult habit for democrats to break. Remember Cindy Sheehan? Or Wendy Davis? This cycle they are Beto O’Rourke and Andrew Gillum. “What’s that? Beto lost…and Andrew too? They should run as a ticket in 2020!” Don’t get us wrong, we are proud of Beto…so fucking proud, as he might say, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that he lost to the most loathed man in America.

Speaking of disgusting mouth-boogers, Mitch McConnell this week again refused to protect the investigation into Russian meddling headed up by Robert Mueller. McConnell argues there is no reason to believe the investigation is in jeopardy. This, despite Trump’s firing/forced resignation of Jeff Sessions, his appointment of an actual box of rocks as the acting Attorney General, and his Tweeting that the investigation is corrupt, disgraceful, angry, disorganized, illegal, and a mess.

In fairness to Mitch, every time he turns around to look into these concerns, he finds nothing going on.

And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where every 2 years we get an election lasting 4 days, never mind 4 hours, yet no one is consulting a physician.

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