My Mind over Matter

There is a constant need to follow one’s heart. Because when people do, they succeed in flying colors. But why can’t I? What do I lack? Am I not gifted? Don’t I have what it takes to take the leap? Wait, what does it take to take the leap anyway?

We see so many people on social media, doing what they love and getting paid for it. But how did they get there? There must have been a journey right? What is it that’s stopping people like me?

After a lot of thought on the same lines, for over a month, I realized.

Lack of confidence. Self doubt. Not knowing whether one has it in them to take something up and see it till the finish line is the worst feeling. What if I had the potential to become one of the most influential women, but didn’t pursue it due to the fear of failing? Where does this fear come from though? We were surely not born with it.

Through time, we have become so risk averse because we, at least most of us in India, have succumbed to the irrational standards set by society. So much so that we began doubting our own capacity, allowing it to cloud our decisions. Sitting around in self doubt, I realized, could be a wormhole for disaster.

But oh, that’s not the only thing.

When we seek approval and it’s shunned, there are two ways one would react- either take it up as a challenge and prove them wrong or get bogged down and believe that their words will become one’s future. To those people who belong to the latter, you are not alone.

I, for one, had a very malleable self image. I would take criticisms from people of all ages and fields. I was always told that what I said and did was not good enough. That I would live and pass as mediocre. The worst part is that I never had enough accomplishments to pick me up from my almost-shattered confidence too. Almost two decades of my life was spent in doubts and self loathing. After all, even a malleable metal breaks when hammered too many times. That was the point when things changed for me.

A lot of questioning, time to myself and interactions with the right people got me thinking about what made me happy. Why did I have this relentless need to please people around me and become accomplished in their eyes? My mental health had plummeted to its death and it was time to concentrate on what I did well than what I sucked at.

Something really amazing happened as I began to pen down my emotions in paragraphs. I felt shackles break loose in me. I felt unchained, light and set free. I recalled that my friends used to applaud my ability to write and interact with others. I had dusted those compliments under a carpet as I was under the impression that those qualities were never “good enough". Nevertheless, once the writing began, the feelings that rushed through me were invigorating. The power that a writer has in making an impact in the reader’s mind is uncanny. Every time I felt an emotion, happy, sad, let down, or angry, I would take a pen and paper and write.

It finally dawned on me…this is my calling!! It makes me happy!!

Is it something that my parents expected me to end up doing? No.

Will this help me become a millionaire? No.

Will the society think I am accomplished? No.

Will this make me a J.K.Rowling? No.

But will this give me happiness even if I have to do it day in and day out? YES!!!

Well…I guess that’s all that matters.

I learnt the hard way that when you do something that you love doing, no matter how hard people try to knock you down, you will rise, brighter and stronger from the ashes. Finally, your light shall pervade the world. *dramatic BGM*

This is my mind over matter urging everyone out there to follow one’s heart, pursue it no matter what and stay happy!

If any of you has faced such struggles or moments of realisation, please do share in the comments below! :)

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