A House Undivided Cannot Stand

HoBoBloPoMo, Day 2: Self-sequestration begins in earnest, as the two households strategize how to keep our sons from killing each other.

Please do not call my 18-year-old son a manchild. He is simply a man, thankyouverymuch. He is 18 goddamn years old and a registered voter and buys Pink Floyd on vinyl and makes snarky jokes with baristas about how impossible it is to incorporate coconut milk into a latte. And for this week, he is my roommate.

Ever since the household split up, waay back in the BeforeTimes of 2008, both boys have reveled at the chance to have a one-on-one night, where each kid has a full-on bonding sesh with one parent. And they’ve really been great, because the boys (sorry, one boy and one MAN) act so differently independent of the other’s influence.

Plus, they have evolved into such divergent personalities. The Senior likes edgy, dark comedies and ranting about sociopolitical strife, and his menu of acceptable foods will fit on a Post-It. The Freshman will eat just about anything except zucchini (his loss) and binges The Office. The Venn diagram of mutual interest is impossibly narrow now, so sometimes the path of least resistance is to split the rings up entirely until they decide they miss each other’s company again.

This strategy will dominate much of this Spring, since my little house is becoming too small to harness all the Big Teen Energy when both offspring are here. (Exhibit A is the Japanese box lamp that lists at a three-degree angle ever since one of them put a foot through its base. I don’t know who owns that foot, and I’m pretty sure I never will. My best revenge is directing my estate to force each kid to take half of it.)

If your marriage is intact and you have two high-school-aged children who likely won’t step inside a classroom until the fall, I fully endorse this two-household system. After I post this and the OTHER MAN finishes cleaning the kitchen, we’re going to watch Better Call Saul, in which the Freshman has zero interest.

Also, the Senior just read this and found it condescending.

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