How to Embrace Love

Why do so many run from love? Is it a deep-rooted fear of intimacy or rejection? Or does the notorious “hook-up culture” defining our modern world foster the ultimate fear of being used and discarded?

How do representations of love and romance throughout the media also contribute to this dilemma? Do the unrealistic expectations imposed by books and films with the tropes of the ‘perfect partner,’ ‘love at first sight’ and the concept of ‘soulmates’ raise our expectations so far through the roof that multidimensional humans are incapable of adhering to such incredulous standards?

In my own experience, I had fled from the concept from romance and relationships for a painstakingly long time, always justifying and rationalising this decision by saying “now is not the right time.” I am embarrassed to admit that I would form connections with an abundance of individuals, only to blatantly pull away once any inkling of romance or feelings arose.

Then I did some elaborate research on the Copernican Revolution, entailing the notion that the earth is not the centre of the universe. I deeply probed this seemingly obvious concept for a while. Everyone and everything is merely a speck in the grande scheme of things. Pain, regret, loss, heartbreak, embarrassment. At the end of the day, nothing really matters all that much. The small realm of travesty within our own mind will one day be diminished to nothing amongst the infinity of oblivion. This revelation allowed me realise that I could not go on like this. So like the flick of a switch, my demeanour to life and love changed.

Allowing the experience of romance and intimacy into my life has been a daunting experience to say the least. After years of having my walls built up sky high with the illusive protection of allowing no one in, my comfort zone could not have been more violated.

Albeit, I found somebody who was worth it. I once heard the quote, “Is the pain of loving someone worth the pain of losing them?”. I thought about this. I had always been afraid of vulnerability, about allowing people to see me for who I truly am, free from the facade I had fabricated to suit and please the environment around me. I have always been independent, believed that the only person I could truly rely on is myself.

“What if I get hurt?”, I inquired. To which I proposed the follow up question, “What’s the point of being alive if I’m so afraid of being hurt that I’m forgetting to live.”

Even if I pour my heart and soul into a person and I am ultimately rendered heartbroken, I will always learn more from this than the nullity of being in my lonesome. Life is about experience. The biggest regret is not having anything to regret.

I fear nothing greater than being at the age of 80, knowing my prime days have long passed with the regret of not having lived to my most potential. The mere thought of melancholically dwelling back, realising that I’ve wasted away my years due to a fear of being hurt. I want to have experienced all the guy-wrenching heartbreak I possibly can and to be able to truly say that I have loved and have been loved. I want to have formed so many relationships and connections by which I learned something new from each.

Being free from the illusive comfort of the comfort zone is the greatest gift that one could ask for.

As cliche as it sounds, I’m trying more to live life really to the fullest. To know that if I die tomorrow, that I truly would be satisfied with all that I’ve lived so far. To know that nothing is guaranteed or permanent has been a blessing. I also don’t exactly believe in the ‘live every day like it’s your last’ tenet. If I were informed that today was my last day on earth, I would immediately abandon all sense of responsibility, probably blow majority of my money on extreme risks and instant sources of gratification. Now, if we were to live every day in such a manner without dwelling on the consequences, this would result in turmoil, in anarchy. We would have no money, be burnt out and thereby counterintuitively be ruining our day to day experience.

Although when interpreted in a less literal and pretentious matter, I believe this mantra applies to the general concept of being free from the safety net of your own mind. To not live in resentment and angst but a general stoicism instead. Whatever happens, so be it. Don’t let the trivial conundrums of everyday life define you.

So embracing love, intimacy and passion has ultimately shaped me for the better despite any potential negative outcomes. The frivolous feelings of butterflies and happiness involved with fomenting a connection with somebody outweighs the numb nonchalant attitude I was walking through life with before. It’s helped me play music and understand lyrics in a new and more immersive way, which is a bonus.

So the love stories all around us, are all so beautifully unique. No one can truly understand it except for those directly involved. It’s the confounding ability to intertwine souls, to share the weight of the world. Love is undoubtedly the biggest paradox of humanity, both painful and fulfilling. Our hearts only beat for a matter of time, so why ignore the pulse?

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He asked me to go down. “He Asked Me To” is published by Melissa Steussy in Black Bear.