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I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. I’M NOT A WRITER. Any good grammar or sentence construction that I may try will be hindered by the fact that English is not my first language, and regardless of my love…

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Why Anticipatory Grief of a Loved One is So Devastating

Knowing doesn’t make it easier

It started with a phone call. I was 12. We watched the color drain out of our mom’s face.

“There’s been an accident. Your cousin Julie has died,” she said.

Six year old Julie had just won a bicycle and was riding it in the street in Morton, Illinois, hoping everyone would see her. A garbage truck had not.

Two days later we lost our grandmother. We knew every inch of the funeral home. A strange thing to brag about.

But I’ve also experienced deaths we knew were coming. Still unbearable. Here’s why anticipatory grief of a loved one is so devastating.

True, you know that death is imminent. You may even have hospice involved which signals the end is drawing near. But you still don’t know when.

Stories exist where a loved one will sit faithfully at the bedside of their ill family member. Then they leave for one moment, and in that moment the loved one slips away.

Regret moves in with the grief and makes everything so much harder.

I waited to hear about this new one that was coming. Excited for every detail I could get. But one look at my daughter-in-law’s face when she came in the door told me something was wrong. Very wrong.

And while she explained things she was still grappling with herself, I felt my joy get swallowed up by her words.

So how were we supposed to get excited when we knew what was ahead? More importantly, how could she get excited?

Sure there were a couple of routes we could take.

We could pray and just hope that the professionals were wrong. And I have to admit I did some of that.

We could get swallowed up in the more than likely scenario. And as you can imagine, I did some of that as well.

We could wait. And yet, this dark cloud hung over everything. So in addition to being fearful, there were times I didn’t know how to act. Mainly because I didn’t know what to feel

So when you know ahead of time the outcome, it’s not that great.

Still, another option was to just be in complete denial. Because there was still the day-to-day to get through. And people can be wrong. Yes, I did that for a while as well.

We heard the words, Trisomy 18. Foreign words. All I remembered was the haunting word, terminal. I knew that word.

And still, when we heard those words we tried to accept them, but then things got in the way. Things like our precious granddaughter living. She kept having bad days, but she would then have good ones.

So even though we were told one thing, I don’t think anyone told her.

And while we were thankful we had her 14 months. We still knew it wasn’t enough.

It was long enough for us to meet her and get to know her and automatically love her. But it wasn’t long enough.

I had read of others who had Trisomy 18. And the one that stuck in my mind was Bella. The daughter of a Senator. And Bella is still alive. She too, defied what the medical books said. So of course I thought maybe we would experience the same thing.

And I was wrong.

But before you think that I should be grateful that I did have time with her. That she didn’t die at birth which was a genuine possibility. Let me just say, I was grateful for every minute she lived.

I watched joy in the faces of my son and his wife. I saw the love they shared with this little miracle.

And with each tear of joy, my hope grew. Maybe she could keep proving them wrong.

One of the hardest things about anticipatory grief is that you know the ending and it breaks your heart.

Seeing all the things we weren’t even supposed to witness made it even harder. I’d peek in and see that my hope was growing.

She would get sick and we would hold our breaths until she could breathe regularly again.

But when she took her last breath, I heard hope extinguish. And it was devastating.

Years ago, I stood at the bed of my father who had cancer. One day he was talking to me, apologizing for the father he had been. The next day he didn’t know me and he slipped away.

I have gotten a call from one brother telling me our youngest brother was gone. Massive heart attack. There were no goodbyes. Yes, we had a funeral, but I wanted to say my own goodbye to someone who could hear me.

In 1982, my sister disappeared and we were told she walked out. We knew otherwise. But there was no saying goodbye till the murder trial was over. And finally, so many years after the fact, we stood on her empty grave to say goodbye. She wasn’t there.

We knew our older brother was dying. Cancer had snuck in and stolen his health and even his thinking.

Watching him get weaker and weaker was painful. One day he picked up his phone and stared at it. I could tell he was trying to figure out what it was.

When your loved one dies in little pieces it’s hard to watch. Hard to process. Anticipatory grief is devastating. For the griever, all grief is devastating.

It’s funny to me. When our loved ones die, we get changed. We become more aware of how fleeting life is. We realize we need to cherish the time we have with our loved ones. And yet, after a while, life seems to go on and we become forgetful of that important lesson.

Either you had a good relationship with your loved one and you cannot imagine life without them. You hurt just thinking about it.

Maybe words were left unsaid, things you planned to do together, unfulfilled wishes. You just long for their presence.

And there may be some without good moments to look back on. They grieve with regrets piled on top of their grief.

If only… I just wish…

This piece was not written to thoroughly depress you. But instead, to let those of you who know someone in grief, walk lightly.

Watch the words you let slip out of your mouth.

And whatever you do, don’t start any sentence with “At least…”

Be with the person who’s grieving. Standing back is very painful to the one who’s sustained a great loss. Your presence speaks volumes.

Words are often unnecessary. Sometimes our attempts prove this all too soon.

Give them your ears. Listen if they want to talk.

Give them understanding. If they are acting differently, accept them. Their whole world has exploded.

Give them time. Whatever you do, just be there no matter how long it takes.

Do you know someone who’s recently lost a loved one?
Is there a way you can reach out to him/her?
Have you recently lost someone you love?
I’d love to hear from you.

Life is hard, so I write words to make it softer.

Here are some ideas

Why Anticipatory Grief of a Loved One is So Devastating

Knowing doesn’t make it easier

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