What Were You Wearing?

Clothes are not the problem, it’s the perpetrator

During the month of April many organizations and college campuses are hosting exhibitions of clothing, or examples of the clothing, worn by survivors of sexual assault at the time of their attacks.

This question: “What were you wearing?” has long been a response to a report of assault. The victim blaming and assumption of provocation, leaving the perpetrator without accountability persists up to this very day.

An installation originating at University of Kansas has traveled and been displayed over the last several years to multiple universities, including University of Arkansas and University of Iowa. The exhibition, and others such as the ones at Oregon State University, Saginaw Valley State University, and the Allegheny Arts Council have been curated and displayed to demonstrate the absurdity of the question that so many try to make relevant.

The clothing displayed is surprising, even to those who already know that clothing has nothing to do with the reason for an assault. A pink sweatshirt and little jeans, size 4T, for the little girl who was 4 years old, a bohemian long skirt, sweat pants and a university tee shirt, a sweatshirt with a Christian symbol of the word Jesus inside a fish, a sari, a flannel shirt and jeans. A woman in one of the exhibits had 3 outfits displayed; she been assaulted 3 times in her life so represented all of them. One of the outfits is a dress looking like a Tinkerbell costume from when she was 5 years old.

The idea that if girls and women just wore the “right” thing rape wouldn’t happen is beyond ludicrous and yet it continues as the “way out” for not just perpetrators, but law enforcement, prosecutors, parents, and friends to dismiss something they just don’t want to deal with.

There is no amount or type of clothing that will satisfy the intent of this question. And there isn’t any amount or type that is required to ensure safety. It is entirely the perpetrator who determines the safety of another. One always has the option not to assault.

Where does this question leave the one assaulted? Alone. Betrayed. Afraid. Lost.

The response to a disclosure of assault has an impact on the survivor and is something one has control over. Given the prevalence of violence against girls and women, it’s likely that almost everyone will hear a disclosure at some point.

This is an opportunity to become the loving person you would like to talk to if it was you who had been hurt. Prepare with empathy. Don’t say anything until you have thought about the words. Start by believing, and continue with compassion, not blame. Rather than a question — questions are often challenges — begin with a statement of caring.

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